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What’s Up With Me

I’ve done the most irresponsible thing in my life. I quit my big muckety muck job after 30 years in corporate America and followed my wife to London. Now I’m going to take care of her and our dog while I try to write. Mostly dark humor and satire. I started off calling it comedy, but this isn’t all knee-slapping stuff.

All my disorganized short stories, observations, rants, cartoons and one-liners that have filled up journals & scraps of paper need a home. Wet Kibble will be their place to live & grow up. And, man do they ever have a lot of growing up to do. As far as the life cycle of writing projects go, they’re completely puerile and malformed. They’re hungry babies with full diapers whose drunk mother is breeding raccoons and tarantulas in the house without cages. In other words, their mortality rate will be off the charts. Wet Kibble will be where I play with these projects, and decide whether they live or die.

This is going to be a completely undisciplined effort. I truly have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I have no track record whatsoever as a professional writer. Here’s what I do know…I like to come up with stuff that makes me laugh and share it with others. If they laugh as hard as I do, that fills me up. To the brim. It’s my kibble. The more the better.

Bowl of Wet KibbleSo…why “Wet Kibble?” It’s selfish on my part. The phrase “Wet Kibble” is hilarious to me when said out loud. It has always been a slapstick pie in somebody’s face for me. It just sounds funny. But, wet kibble is also offensive to me. Disgusting. Ruined. If a bowl of it spills on my hands, I have a sudden urge to shave my body hairless and brush my teeth bloody with steel wool. It’s kibble gone completely wrong. I have a love/hate relationship with “Wet Kibble.” It cracks me up, but it also reminds me of bad decisions made with the best of intentions. I heard “Wet Kibble” discussed a lot as a constantly giggling kid. There was always this debate in my dog-owning family over wet vs. dry kibble. What was best for the stupid dog that didn’t know better? The dog needed our help figuring this out. But, I assumed the dog did know better, and the adults were morons. If I was a dog, I’d be pissed if you drowned my kibble. Wet kibble is the last thing I would want. I have water right next to it, thank you very much. Morons. So, I hear “wet kibble” and immediately laugh at something that tickles me, yet is also unnecessarily ruined under the assumption that it’s been improved. It’s something I find funny, but it just doesn’t make any sense. Yet.

As I pull together my “best” stuff here on the blog, I will also ruin it in the process. I will drown it with good intentions, and hate it for a while. I will be forced to make it edible again. That’s the process here. It starts with Wet Kibble. Hopefully it becomes something that lots of other people will enjoy. And, that would fill me up. To the brim.

We shall see where this goes. Maybe a book one day. That would be wonderful. I’m working on a few ideas. Perhaps some stand-up routines come out of all this. Not sure. For now, I’m just going to feed heavily on tasteless Wet Kibble, make it better and see where it takes me. Thanks for having a look around the site. Check out the different topic areas, and please let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy Wet Kibble more than you expected.

The damn dog…

Halfway through writing this, our dog Cali walked up to look at me. Maybe she wanted to say hello. She was just turning her head to give me that quizzical dog look, and that motion must have opened up her gullet full throttle. She immediately threw up violently with a loud “hoork!” It landed heavily on the rug with a thud-splat. The force of the release pushed her backwards as she vomited, leaving a trail of sticky puke along the fringe of the rug. Why is it always on the fringe? So much harder to clean. She shamefully retreated into the kitchen and threw up there. Then the front hall. That’s it. She’s all done now. But, she left me a lot of partially digested dog food and yellow bile to clean up. Just thought I’d share. It seemed meaningful.

When I first sit down to describe how I will totally get into Wet Kibble, she made sure I did exactly that. Up to my elbows in the real deal. You wanted to know what’s up with me. That’s what’s up with me. On my hands and knees furiously cleaning up this awful mess. Taking care of the Wet Kibble, and trying to make everything better. It’s now or never.